no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
