i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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