i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
