If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
im holly from the hills drunk
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
