We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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