Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
