You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
