I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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