God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
