Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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