It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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