there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
