Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
