omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
