Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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