I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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