$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
