i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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