no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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