Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
