I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
