I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
