I think my vagina is haunted
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
