the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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