DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
