I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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