The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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