stop calling my apartment porn island.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
