I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
