I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
