My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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