Girls should come with a carfax report
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
