Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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