No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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