my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
