my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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