I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
