There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
