i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
