I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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