when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Four minutes until I can fart!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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