Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
