I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
