I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
