I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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