i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Text me some of your sweat
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
