It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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