just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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