The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
