oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
