She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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